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The Wisdom of Maxine

 

Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida. Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a win-win-win situation:

      * Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border

      * Use the dirt to raise the levies in New Orleans

      * Put the Florida alligators in the moat. 

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?



On Age ...

Flash (click)

 

 


Getting old is so hard at times.

Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.

 
NOW , I talk like an a--hole .   
 
 but my gums don't itch


 

On Housework ...

HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE

1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4 Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5 Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want
To delete Housework permanently?"
6. Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?


Works for me!
 

 

 

 


  • Never read the fine print.  There ain't no way you're going to like it.

  • If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.

  • The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.

  • The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same ! size bucket.

  • To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.

  • Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?

  • Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.

  • Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.

  • After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.


On Marriage ...

 


  •  Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

  • A day without sunshine is like...night.

  • On the other hand, you have different fingers

  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  •  99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  •  Remember, half the people you know are below average.

  •  He who laughs last thinks slowest.

  •  Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  •  The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  •  Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

  •  A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  •  Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

  •  If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

  •  How many of you believe in psychokinesis?  Raise my hand.

  •  OK, so what's ! the speed of dark?

  •  When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

  •  Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

  •  Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

  •  How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

  •  Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

  •  What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  •  I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  •  Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

  •  Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

  •  Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you  hear them speak.

  •  Life isn't l like a box of  chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow

 


On Winter ...

Flash (click)

 

 

 

 

back to humor


  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me,
    for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me either.  Just pretty much
    leave me alone. 

  • The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and
    leaky tire.

  • It's always darkest before dawn.  So if you're going to steal your
    neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

  • Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be
    promoted.

  • Always remember that you're unique.  Just like everyone else.

  • Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

  • If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of
    car payments.

  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
    That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
    their shoes.

  • If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

  • Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to
    fish, And he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

  • If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was
    probably worth it.

  • If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

  • Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

  • Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

  • The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put
    it back in your pocket.

  • A closed mouth gathers no foot.

  • Duct tape is like 'The Force'.  It has a light side and a dark
    side, and it holds the universe together.

  • There are two theories to arguing with women.  Neither one works.

  • Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are
    moving.

  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

  • Never miss a good chance to shut up.

  • Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative
    on the same night.


On Politics ...

MY CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN 2008
 
  Here we are already discussing the future President of the United States in the Year 2008.  Well, I have my own candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.

For those of you who would like another choice for President, I have the best solution:  It is probably time we have a woman as President.  My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special Lady that has all the answers to our problems.

 

PLEASE give it a thought when you have a moment....

 


 
 
 

                      MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!

 


 

                    Very eloquently put............don't you think?

 

Flash (click)

 

 


 

Maxine's Political Platform
   

  • Maxine on "Driver Safety" .  "I can't use the cell phone in the car.  I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

  • Maxine on "Life" .  "Life is like an oven.  It burns my a**!"

  • Maxine on "Housework" .   "I do my housework in the nude.  It gives me an incentive to clean the mirrors as quickly as possible."

  • Maxine on "Lawn Care" .  "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower.  I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

  • Maxine on "The Perfect Man" .   "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away.  Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed."

  • Maxine on "Technology Revolution" . "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

  • Maxine on "Aging" . "Take every birthday with a grain of salt.  This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."
                         

           "I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."
 

                                            

 back to humor


Maxine's Friends - Flash (click)

 

    

 


              We Is Friends 

 

Thanks to Flo    

back to humor


"Alley Cat'

Gideon Seniors 1959
Copyright 2001 by [Gideon Seniors 1959]. All rights reserved.
Revised: 06/03/09 15:20:37 -0700.