The Wisdom of Maxine
concentrates on the problems we're having in this country lately; illegal
immigration, hurricane recovery, wild animals attacking humans in Florida. Not me. I concentrate on solutions to problems. The result is a
* Dig a moat the length of the Mexican
* Use the dirt to
raise the levies in New Orleans
* Put the Florida alligators in the
problems you would like for me to solve today?
On Age ...
Getting old is so hard at times.
Yesterday I got Preparation 'H' mixed up with Poli-Grip.
, I talk like an
but my gums don't itch
On Housework ...
HOW TO CLEAN THE HOUSE
1. Open a new file in your PC .
2. Name it "Housework."
3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN.
4 Empty the RECYCLE BIN.
5 Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want
To delete Housework permanently?"
Calmly answer, "Yes," and press mouse button firmly......
7. Feel better?
Works for me!
Never read the fine print. There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your
umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with
greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is
that not everybody has the same ! size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive -
Do you realize that in about 40
years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but
somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia.
Drinking makes some husbands see
double and feel single.
After a certain age, if you don't
wake up aching somewhere, you may be dead.
On Marriage ...
whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without
sunshine is like...night.
On the other
hand, you have different fingers
42.7 percent of
all statistics are made up on the spot.
99 percent of
lawyers give the rest a bad name.
the people you know are below average.
He who laughs
last thinks slowest.
merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird
may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
inevitable, except from vending machines.
If you think
nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of
you believe in psychokinesis? Raise my hand.
OK, so what's
! the speed of dark?
everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays
off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Every one has
a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
if you get scared half to death twice?
repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
psychics have to ask you for your name?
older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you
hear them speak.
Life isn't l
like a box of chocolates.... it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do
today, might burn your butt tomorrow
On Winter ...
back to humor
not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk
ahead of me,
for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me
either. Just pretty much
leave me alone.
journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan
always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to
neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced,
you can't be
Always remember that you're unique. Just like
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing
a couple of
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile
in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile
away and you have
at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for
a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him
fish, And he will sit in a boat and drink beer all
you lend someone $20 and never see that person
again, it was
probably worth it.
you tell the truth, you don't have to remember
days you're the bug; some days you're the
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
quickest way to double your money is to fold it in
half and put
it back in your pocket.
closed mouth gathers no foot.
tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a
side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women.
Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when
your lips are
Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill
and a laxative
on the same night.
On Politics ...
MY CANDIDATE FOR
PRESIDENT IN 2008
Here we are already discussing the future
President of the United States in the Year 2008. Well, I have my own
candidate and I'm sure that once you know who I'm for, you will also agree.
For those of you who would like another choice
for President, I have the best solution: It is probably time we have a
woman as President. My choice, and I hope yours as well, is a very special
Lady that has all the answers to our problems.
PLEASE give it a thought when you have a
MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!!!
eloquently put............don't you think?
Maxine on "Driver Safety" .
"I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for
Maxine on "Life" .
"Life is like an oven. It burns my a**!"
Maxine on "Housework" .
"I do my housework in the nude. It gives me an incentive to clean the
mirrors as quickly as possible."
Maxine on "Lawn Care" .
"The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is
muscular and shirtless."
Maxine on "The Perfect
Man" . "All I'm looking
for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and
then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when
Maxine on "Technology
Revolution" . "My idea of
rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."
Maxine on "Aging" .
"Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the
salt accompanies a Margarita."
"I'm telling you
... she's the perfect candidate."
Maxine's Friends -
We Is Friends
Thanks to Flo
back to humor
Gideon Seniors 1959
Copyright © 2001 by [Gideon Seniors 1959]. All rights reserved.
06/03/09 15:20:37 -0700.