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The Wisdom of Garfield

 


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"BLESS YOUR HEART"

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with
the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's
prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or Bless
his heart." As in, 'Bless his heart, if they put his
brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB
on a six lane highway." Or, "Bless her heart, she's
so blind, she couldn't see the moon shine."

There are also the sneakier ones : "You know, it's
amazing that even though she had that baby 7 months
after they were married, bless her heart, it weighed
10 pounds." As long as the heart is sufficiently
blessed, the insult can't be all that bad.

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend
was telling about her new Northern friend who was
upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk
and he has a Southern accent. My friend, who is very
kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about
those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about
this.

After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South
a couple of years ago, "Can you believe it?" said her
friend. "A child of mine is going to be taaaallllkkin
liiiike thiiiissss."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends
are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome
their perspective, their friendships and their
recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even
gotten past their endless complaints that you can't
find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless
their hearts, don't like cornbread!

The ones that really gore my ox are the native
Southerners who have begun to act almost embarrassed
about their speech. We've already lost too much. I was
raised to "swanee", not swear, but you hardly ever
hear anyone say that anymore, I swanee you don't.

And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying
something is "right much", "right close", or "right
good" because non-natives think this is right funny
indeed. I have a friend from Bawston who thinks it's
hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter
to the doctor or "cut off" the light.

She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin" to do
something. And, bless their heart, they don't know
where "over yonder" is, or what, "I reckon" means.

My personal favorite was my aunt saying, "Bless her
heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've
stayed home."

To those of you who're still a little embarrassed by
your Southerness: Take two Southern Comforts and a
dose of white gravy and call me in the morning. Bless
your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time
understanding all this Southern stuff, bless your
hearts, I hear they are fixin to have classes on
Southernese as a second language!

Bye Ya'll

Author Unknown, bless her heart                   back to humor


Southern-ness

 

Thanks to Norma O - a true southern gal.

 

Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit

and a conniption fit, and that you don't "HAVE" them, you "PITCH" them.
 

Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,

peas, beans, etc., make up "a mess."
 

Only a Southerner can show or point out the general direction of "yonder."
 

Only a Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is, ... as in:

"Going to town, be back directly."

Even Southern babies know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white,

granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.

All Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term,

but they know the concept well.
 

Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor

who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad.

If the neighbor has BIG trouble, they also know to add a large nana puddin!

Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece."

They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
 

Only a Southerner, both knows and understands, the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy,

and po' white trash.
 

No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is

actually going to make a turn.

A Southerner knows that "fixin" can be used as a noun, verb, or  adverb.

Only Southerners make friends while standing in lines, ... and when we're "in line,"

 we talk to everybody!

Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related,

even if only by marriage.
 

In the South, y'all is singular, .... all y'all is plural.

Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

Every Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful;

that red eye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin'," you know you are in the

presence of a genuine Southerner!

Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar

and lots of it -- we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway.

You just say," Bless her heart" ... and go your own way.

To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southern-ness: Take two tent revivals

and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your heart!

And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff, ...

bless your hearts, I hear they are fixin' to have classes on Southern-ness as a second language!

And for those that are not from the South but have lived here for a long time, all y'all need a sign to

hang on all y'alls front porch that reads "I ain't from the South, but I got here as fast as I could."

 

   back to humor

SOUTHERN WOMEN


Southern women appreciate their natural assets:
Clean skin.
A winning smile.
That unforgettable Southern drawl.

Southern women know their manners:
"Yes, ma'am."
"Yes, sir."
"Why, no!"


Southern women have a distinct way with fond expressions
:
"Y'all come back!"
"Well, bless your heart."
"Drop by when you can."
"How's your Momma?"

Southern women know their summer weather report:
Humidity
Humidity
Humidity

Southern women know their vacation spots:

The beach
The beach
The beach

Southern women know the joys of June, July, and August:

Colorful hi-heel sandals
Strapless sun dresses
Iced sweet tea with mint

Southern women know everybody's first name:

Honey
Darlin'
Shugah

Southern women know the movies that speak to their hearts:

Fried Green Tomatoes
Driving Miss Daisy
Steel Magnolias
Gone With The Wind

Southern women know their religions:

Baptist
Methodist
Football

Southern women know their country breakfasts:

Red-eye gravy
Grits
Eggs
Country ham
Mouth-watering homemade biscuits with momma's homemade jelly

Southern women know their cities dripping with Southern charm:

Charleston (Chawl'stn)
Savannah (S'vanah)
Fort Worth (Foat Wuth)
New
Orleans (N'awlins)
Atlanta (Addlanna)

Southern women know their elegant gentlemen:

Men in uniform.
Men in tuxedos.
Rhett Butler, of course!

Southern girls know their prime real estate:

The Mall
The Country Club
The Beauty Salon

Southern girls know the four deadly sins:

Having bad hair and nails
Having bad manners
Cooking bad food
Wearing too much makeup in the summer

Southern girls know men may come and go,
but friends are fahevah
!

If you're a Northern transplant, Bless your! little heart, fake it.
We know you got here as fast as you could.....!!!


Great Women

Inside every older person is a younger person -wondering what the hell happened.  Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
Helen Hayes (at 73)

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"?
Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.
-Jan King-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. -Rhonda Hansome-

Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman?  It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears.
-Geri Jewell-

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

 

Laugh and the world laughs with you.
Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-

 back to humor


'taters

 

Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just content to watch while others do the work.

They are called "Speck-taters"

 

Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding fault with the way others do the work.

They are called "Comment-taters"

 

Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but don't want to soil their own hands.

They are called "Dick-taters".

 

Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others to agree with them. It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too sweet.

They  are called "Agie-taters".

 

There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get around to actually doing the promised help.

They are called "Hezzie-taters".

 

Some people can put up a front and pretend  to be someone they are not.

They are called "Emma-taters".

 

Then  there are those who love others and do what they say they will. They are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a

helping hand. They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.

They are called "Sweet-taters".

Contributed by Don S.   back to humor


 

You know you're from Bubba's trailer park If ...


If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
If the biggest city you've ever visited is Wal-Mart.
If your working T. V. sits on top of your non-working T. V.
If you thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.
If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of improvements.
If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher. 
If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hanging."
If you missed your 8th grade graduation because you had jury duty.
If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.
If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate.
If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

                 
back to humor


The guys' Rules

It's time the guy's had their say!  By the way, did I tell you this was written with crayons? ... and notice they're all numbered 1.  Maybe that's as far as the writer got in math.  Oh well, guys-here's one for you.

 

The Guys' Rulesญญญญญญญญญญญญญญญญญญญญ


At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear
" the rules "

From the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.
 

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
 

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
 

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
 

1. Crying is blackmail.
 

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
 

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
 

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
 

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem . See a doctor.
 

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
 

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
 

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
 

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
 

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
 

1. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
 

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
 

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have
no idea what mauve is.
 

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.
 

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
 

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
 

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.
 

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
 

1. You have enough clothes.
 

1. You have too many shoes.
 

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
 

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

  
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